119+ Side-Splitting Divorce Puns That Will Leave You Laughing Through the Pain

Puns About the ‘Un’fortunate Matrimonial Mishaps

Who knew divorce could be so ‘punny’? From the moment you say ‘I don’t’ to the final ‘decree nisi,’ we’ve got jokes that will tickle your funny bone and help you cope with the ‘split’-ting headache. So, grab a cup of ‘alimony,’ sit back, and let us ‘divorce’ you with laughter!

Our witty wordplay covers the spectrum of marital misadventures, from the ‘grounds’ for divorce to the ‘custody’ battles over the remote control. We’ll explore the ‘alimony’ issues, leaving you ‘untie’-d in laughter. Buckle up for a ‘pun’-derful ride through the tumultuous terrain of divorce, where we’ll ‘de-couple’ from the serious side and find solace in the giggles. So, let’s ‘divorce’ into the world of puns, where laughter becomes the ultimate ‘irreconcilable difference’.

Why Did the Couple Get Divorced?

1. Because they couldn’t agree on who’s the clown in the relationship. 😂
2. Their arguments were so sharp, they could have cut the tension with a knife.
3. They ran out of punch lines.
4. Their love story had a “fault” in it.
5. Their relationship hit a “dead end.”
6. They were “overruled” in the court of love.
7. Their union was “annulled” due to “irreconcilable puns.”
8. Their arguments reached a “pun”derful crescendo.
9. They couldn’t find a “common denominator” to keep them together.
10. Their relationship “fizzled out” because they were always “soda pressed.”
11. They got “lost in translation” when it came to their jokes.
12. They were simply “too punny” for each other.
13. Their “honeymoon phrase” ended abruptly.
14. They couldn’t “handle the truth” about each other’s puns.
15. Their relationship was a “big disaster” from the start.
16. They couldn’t “cut it” as a married couple.
17. They “pun-ished” each other too much.
18. Their love was “all washed up.”
19. They broke their “vow of pun-ence.”
20. Their relationship was a “tragedy” because they couldn’t “make the grade.”

Marriage: A Legal Separation of Property

1. Marriage: A legal separation of property… and common sense.
2. Marriage is like a game of “Let’s Make a Deal.” You know there’s a prize behind the curtain, but you’re not sure if it’s a toaster or a trip to Hawaii. 💍😂
3. If marriage is a marathon, then divorce is the finish line. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏁
4. Marriage is a two-way street, but sometimes you get stuck in a cul-de-sac.
5. Marriage is like a fine wine. It gets better with age, but it can also turn into vinegar if you don’t store it properly. 🍷😂
6. Marriage is a rocking chair. It’s great for a rest, but it can also be monotonous and squeaky.
7. Marriage is a tea party for two, but sometimes the teacups get thrown.
8. Marriage is a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re going up, sometimes you’re going down, and sometimes you just want to throw up.🎢🤢
9. Marriage is a prison with no bars. You can’t escape, but you can always visit the warden (your spouse). 👮‍♀️👮‍♂️
10. Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
11. Marriage is like a boomerang. It will always come back to you. Especially if you throw it.
12. Marriage is like a seesaw. You have to work together to stay balanced. 😂👍
13. Marriage is like a double-edged sword. It can cut both ways.
14. Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle. You have to find the right pieces to fit together.
15. Marriage is like a marathon. You have to pace yourself, or you’ll burn out. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️
16. Marriage is like a game of chess. You have to think ahead and plan your moves. ♟️
17. Marriage is like a garden. You have to tend to it regularly, or it will wilt. 🌷
18. Marriage is like a book. It has many chapters, both happy and sad.
19. Marriage is like a journey. It’s full of unexpected twists and turns.
20. Marriage is like a dance. Sometimes you step on each other’s toes, but you keep dancing because the music is so good. 💃🕺

The Trouble with Exes

1. What do you call an ex who’s always trying to get back together? A re-peat offender.
2. Why did the ex cross the road? To get to the other side of the relationship.
3. What’s the difference between an ex and a mosquito? One buzzes in your ear, the other buzzes in your inbox. 🚫
4. Why are exes like bad weather? They always come out of nowhere and ruin your day.
5. What do you call an ex who’s always complaining? A whiner.
6. Why did the ex get lost in the supermarket? Because they couldn’t find the “aisle” that led to them.
7. What’s the difference between an ex and a good book? A good book has a beginning, a middle, and an end. 😎
8. Why are exes like dandruff? Because they’re always coming back when you least expect them.
9. What do you call an ex who’s always trying to start drama? A soap opera star.
10. Why did the ex get arrested? For stalking.
11. What’s the difference between an ex and a used car? A used car can still be fun to drive.
12. Why are exes like a bad smell? Because they just won’t go away. 🤬
13. What do you call an ex who’s always hitting you up? A stalker.
14. Why did the ex get a job at a funeral home? Because they were good at making people feel dead inside.
15. What’s the difference between an ex and a pizza? Pizza is a keeper.
16. Why did the ex get fired from their job as a crossing guard? Because they kept letting their feelings get in the way.
17. What do you call an ex who’s always trying to get back together but you don’t want them back? A restraining order.
18. Why are exes like a bad habit? Because it’s hard to break away.
19. What do you call an ex who’s always trying to guilt-trip you? A emotional terrorist.
20. Why did the ex get a job as a bartender? Because they were good at mixing drinks and stirring up trouble. 🍹

What’s the Difference Between a Good Divorce and a Bad Divorce?

1. A good divorce leaves you feeling relieved, while a bad divorce makes you want to file for alimony.
2. In a good divorce, you get the house; in a bad divorce, you get the doghouse. 😆
3. A good divorce is like a surgery, necessary but painful; a bad divorce is like an amputation, brutal and life-altering.
4. In a good divorce, the kids come first; in a bad divorce, the lawyers do. 💸
5. A good divorce is like a clean break; a bad divorce is like a messy divorce.
6. In a good divorce, you can look back and laugh; in a bad divorce, you just want to forget.
7. A good divorce is like a fresh start; a bad divorce is like a permanent scar. 🤕
8. In a good divorce, you learn from your mistakes; in a bad divorce, you just want to move on.
9. A good divorce is like a new chapter in your life; a bad divorce is like a never-ending nightmare.
10. In a good divorce, you find closure; in a bad divorce, you just want revenge. 😈
11. A good divorce is like a divorce party; a bad divorce is like a funeral. 😭
12. In a good divorce, you can still be friends with your ex; in a bad divorce, you would rather boil in oil than talk to them.
13. A good divorce is like a divorce with dignity; a bad divorce is like a divorce with a restraining order.
14. In a good divorce, you can move on with your life; in a bad divorce, you are stuck in the past. ⌛
15. A good divorce is like a divorce with grace; a bad divorce is like a divorce with a bitter taste. 🤮
16. In a good divorce, you can forgive your ex; in a bad divorce, you just want to see them suffer. 💔
17. A good divorce is like a divorce with a sense of humor; a bad divorce is like a divorce with a broken heart.
18. In a good divorce, you can learn to laugh again; in a bad divorce, you just want to cry. 😭
19. A good divorce is like a divorce with hope; a bad divorce is like a divorce with despair. 😞
20. In a good divorce, you can rebuild your life; in a bad divorce, you just want to give up. 💔

Why Do Divorces Cost So Much?

1. Because of all the “splitting” costs.
2. They’re a “price” to pay for freedom.
3. It’s a “settlement” that’s hard to reach.
4. It’s a “bitter pill” for both parties.
5. It’s a “drain” on your finances.
6. It’s a “cut” above other expenses.
7. It can leave you feeling “broke”. 💰
8. You may end up “losing” more than you bargained for.
9. It’s a “taxing” experience.
10. It’s a “litigation” that can drag on.
11. It can be a “trial” by fire. 🔥
12. It’s a “cruel” joke that no one enjoys.
13. It’s a “financial” mess that can take years to clean up.
14. It’s a “separation” that can be painful.
15. It’s a “new beginning” that can be expensive.
16. It’s a “stressful” time that can lead to divorce-induced poverty.
17. It’s a “legal” headache that can make you want to pull your hair out.
18. It’s a “traumatic” event that can leave you emotionally scarred.
19. It’s a “complicated” process that can drive you crazy.
20. It’s a “messy” affair that can leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth. 👅

The Seven Stages of Divorce

1. It’s not a marriage, it’s a “di-vorce.” 💔
2. From “I do” to “I divorce” in a heartbeat. 🏃‍♀️💨
3. The official end of “happily ever after.” 🚫💍
4. When love goes down the drainpipe. 💧💔
5. A clean break, but not the dishes. 🍽️🤷‍♀️
6. The ultimate “cut your losses” situation. ✂️💰
7. A change of heart and a change of address. 🏡↔️💔
8. From “us” to “ugh.” 😔🤷‍♀️
9. The sad realization: “Love stinks.” 🦨💔
10. A breakup that leaves a bitter taste. 👅😭
11. The final nail in the coffin of love. 🔨⚰️
12. When you’re splitting hairs and splitting up. ✂️💇‍♀️💔
13. From “soulmates” to “ex-wives’ tales.” 🤷‍♀️📖
14. A legal separation where the only thing shared is the lawyer’s bill. ⚖️💔💸
15. A “farewell” that’s not a “fond” one. ✈️👋
16. When “for better or for worse” becomes “for worse or for better.” 💔👍
17. The day when “till death do us part” becomes “until the lawyer separates us.” 💔⚖️
18. The ultimate “unhappy ending.” 🚫💍😭
19. When your wedding album becomes a “scrapbook of sadness.” 💔📸
20. The day you realize “love is not enough.” 💔🤷‍♀️

How to Prepare for a Divorce

1. Remember to “lawyer up” and get a “splitting headache.” 😂
2. Hire a “mediator” to help you “sort it out.”
3. Get “custody” of your jokes, or they’ll “disappear.” 🤪
4. Pack your “emotional baggage” and “move on.”
5. “Separate” your clothes, but make sure you “fold” first.
6. Split the “assets,” not the “aspirations.”
7. “Serve” yourself first with a nice meal.
8. Get a “divorce party” and “celebrate your new chapter.” 🎉
9. “Seal the deal” with a final joke and a “wink.”
10. Remember, “laughter is the best medicine,” even during a divorce.
11. Don’t “downgrade,” “upgrade” your life.
12. “File” your paperwork, but don’t forget to “withdraw” your emotions.
13. “Negotiate” like a pro, even if it’s for the “custody” of the couch.
14. Don’t “jump the gun,” take your time to “dismantle” the relationship.
15. “Divide and conquer” the chores, even the “dirty ones.”
16. “Settle” your differences amicably, or you’ll end up in a “legal battle.”
17. “Annul” the marriage, but not your sense of humor.
18. “Divorce is like a puzzle,” and you need to find the “missing pieces.”
19. Don’t “split hairs,” focus on the bigger picture.
20. Remember, “every end is a new beginning,” even after a divorce. 🌈

The Benefits of Divorce

1. Marriage is like a deck of cards – you start out with two hearts and end up with a diamond. 💑♣️
2. After a divorce, you’re not a loser – you’re a free agent! 🤵‍♂️💍
3. Marriage is like a mousetrap – easy to get into, but hard to get out of. 🐭🪤
4. The only thing worse than being married is being divorced – except for being married to the wrong person. 🙅‍♂️💑
5. Divorce is like a tornado – it can turn your whole life upside down. 🌪️🏠
6. Marriage is like a rollercoaster – you go up and down, but in the end, you’re still with the same person. 🎢🎡
7. Divorce is like a new job – you get to start over with a clean slate. 💼📝
8. Marriage is like a game of chess – you have to make the right moves or you’ll lose. ♟️♞
9. Divorce is like a broken mirror – you can’t put it back together again. 🪞💔
10. Marriage is like a book – you can’t judge it by its cover. 📘📚
11. Divorce is like a parachute – it can save your life.🪂🆘
12. Marriage is like a bicycle – sometimes you just have to get off and walk. 🚲🚶‍♂️
13. Divorce is like a new beginning – it’s a chance to start over and find happiness again. 😊💑
14. Marriage is like a marathon – it’s a long journey, but it can be worth it in the end. 🏃‍♂️🏆
15. Divorce is like a weight loss program – it can be tough, but it’s worth it in the long run. 💪🏋️‍♂️
16. Marriage is like a dance – you have to learn to step on each other’s toes without getting mad. 💃🕺
17. Divorce is like a game of poker – you have to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. 🃏♠️
18. Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle – you have to find the right pieces to make it work. 🧩👫
19. Divorce is like a fire – it can destroy everything in its path. 🔥🚒
20. Marriage is like a car – you have to maintain it or it will break down. 🚙🧰

The Dark Side of Divorce

1. What do you call a divorced couple who are still friends? Split and stirred.
2. Why did the divorcing couple get lost in the woods? They couldn’t find their separation!
3. What does a divorced person have in common with a ticking bomb? They both need to be defused!
4. Why did the divorced lawyer get a pet bird? Because tweeting was the only time he could get his thoughts out.
5. What do you call a divorced couple who share custody of a pet pig? Pork belly time!
6. Why did the divorced husband start a pickleball team? Because he was good at splitting pairs.
7. What do you call a divorced couple who still live together? Home wreckers!
8. Why did the divorced wife open a yoga studio? Because she needed a place to stretch her finances. 😆
9. What do you call a divorced person who’s always on the go? A jet-setter with baggage.
10. Why did the divorced couple get a pet goldfish? Because it was the only thing they could agree on splitting!
11. What do you call a divorced couple who still wear their wedding rings? Ring masters.
12. Why did the divorced couple get a divorce party? To celebrate their liberation!
13. What do you call a divorced couple who are still in love? Split ends.
14. Why did the divorced husband start a cleaning business? Because he was always looking for someone who could pick up his slack.
15. What do you call a divorced couple who get back together? A reconciliation spin cycle. 😜
16. Why did the divorced wife start a therapy practice? To help others navigate the dark side of divorce.
17. What do you call a divorced couple who still have feelings for each other? Residue love.
18. Why did the divorced couple get matching tattoos? Because they still have a bond, even if it’s a broken one.
19. What do you call a divorced couple who still argue about everything? A permanent debate team.
20. Why did the divorced husband start a restaurant? Because he was tired of having to cook and clean for himself.

Divorce and the Kids

1. After the divorce, the custody of the kids was split 50/50. One week, they were with me; the next week, they were with their mother. It turned out to be the perfect arrangement. I had the brats, and my ex-wife had the custody.
2. Why did the divorced couple decide to give their kids a divorce party? To “celebrate” the end of their marriage.
3. What do you call a parent who is always late for child pickup after the divorce? A pro-crastinator. 😂
4. If you’re ever in a divorce hearing and the judge asks you to define “alimony,” remember: It’s Latin for “I hate money.”
5. Why did the divorced couple name their kid “Custody”? Because they knew they’d be fighting over him/her for years.
6. What do you call a divorced dad who never gets to see his kids? A parenthetical.
7. What’s the difference between a divorced man and a single man? The divorced man has to pay for his mistakes.
8. Why did the ex-husband always wear sunglasses when he visited his kids? Because he couldn’t bear to see them growing up without him. 😢
9. What do you call a parent who is temporarily separated from their children after a divorce? A part-time felon.
10. What do you call a divorced couple who still lives together? Roommates with benefits.
11. What kind of flowers should you send to a friend going through a divorce? Forget-me-nots.
12. What did the divorced dad say to his son on his first day of school? “Don’t forget, you have another family!”
13. What do you call a divorced couple who are still bitter towards each other? Ex-cruciators.
14. What’s the difference between a divorce and a breakup? In a breakup, you’re only hurting one person.
15. Why did the divorced couple get married two more times to each other? Because they wanted to be even.
16. What do you call a divorced couple who can’t stand the sight of each other? Eye sore-ce.
17. What’s the difference between a divorce and a war? In a war, at least you know who your enemy is.
18. Why did the divorced dad always take a nap after visiting his kids? To recoup his “lost” time.
19. What’s the best thing about getting divorced? You get to date yourself again. 😉

Moving On After Divorce

1. You might say I’m officially “mover and out” after my divorce.
2. I’m so glad to be starting a new “chapter” in my life. 🚚📦
3. Packing up after a divorce is like a “treasure hunt” – but instead of gold, you find old photos.
4. I’m not bitter, just “repurposing” my wedding ring into a really cool paperweight.
5. The divorce process was like a “ménage à trois” – with me, my lawyer, and my ex. 🙄
6. Co-parenting is like playing tug-of-war with a toddler – except it’s for your heartstrings.
7. I’m finally ready to “Netflix and chill” with someone new – myself! 📺🍿
8. My divorce settlement was like a “lateral move” – from being financially solvent to being financially challenged.
9. I’m not lonely, I just have a lot of “me time” now. 🧘‍♀️
10. After the divorce, I had to “rebrand” myself – now I’m the “Cool Aunt” instead of the “Strict Stepmother.”
11. I’m not a “cougar,” I’m just a “mature woman” who knows what she wants. 🐆
12. I’m not “dating” anymore, I’m just “exploring my options.” 🗺️
13. My ex is like a “bad habit” – I know I should cut him loose, but it’s so hard!
14. I’m so over my ex that I’m actually starting to miss him – like a root canal.
15. My divorce was like a “plot twist” in a movie – I thought I knew how it was going to end, but I was totally wrong. 🎥
16. I’m not “single,” I’m just “selectively available.” 🚫❌
17. I’m so ready to “bounce back” from my divorce that I’ve already bought new sneakers! 👟🏃‍♀️
18. I’m not “divorced,” I’m just “redefining my relationship status.” 🤔
19. After my divorce, I realized that the best relationship is the one you have with yourself. 🪞❤️
20. I’m not “looking for love,” I’m just “keeping my options open.” 🚪💁‍♀️

Divorce Jokes

1. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better!
2. Having a lawyer is like playing poker. You have to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. 😅
3. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you want is a heart. But eventually, you end up with a club.
4. I asked my ex-wife for a divorce because she was always forgetting things. Like our anniversary.
5. My ex-husband told me he wanted a divorce because I was always nagging him. I told him I would stop nagging as soon as he started listening.
6. Why did the couple get divorced? Because they were married for better or for worse, but not for lunch!
7. A wife asked her husband, “If I died, would you remarry?” He replied, “No, I’m not the marrying kind.”
8. Divorce is just a way of getting your clothes back.
9. My ex-wife said I never listen to her. To be fair, I was wearing headphones. 🎧
10. What do you call a lawyer who gets divorced? A split specialist. ⚖️
11. Why did the scarecrow get divorced? Because he couldn’t make up his mind.
12. Why did the divorce lawyer join the debate team? To master the art of separation.
13. I’m so glad I got divorced. Now I have twice the closet space!
14. What do you call a married couple who decide to get divorced? Two halves that don’t make a whole.
15. I went to a divorce party once. It was a real breakup party.
16. Why did the couple get divorced? Because the wife was always right, and the husband was tired of being wrong.
17. What did the judge say to the divorcing couple? I declare this marriage null and void.
18. Why don’t they let lawyers get married? Because they’re not allowed to represent themselves!
19. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is getting better!
20. What do you call a couple that’s divorcing but still living together? Roommates with benefits.

Marriage Problems and Solutions

1. Why did the husband get a divorce? Because his wife was knotty.
2. What do you call a couple who can’t keep their hands off each other? PDA Positive.
3. Why did the newlyweds have to postpone their honeymoon? Because the bride had a wedding panic attack.
4. What do you call a husband who always loses arguments? A hen-pecked hubby.
5. Why did the wife bang her head against the wall? 🤰🏼 Because she wanted to nail the problem on the head.
6. What do you call a wife who always gets the last word? A nag-avigator.
7. Why did the husband put his wife on the roof? Because he wanted to raise her standards.
8. What do you call a husband who is always late for dates? A tardy party.
9. Why did the wife hide her money in the washing machine? 💰 Because she knew her husband was spineless.
10. What do you call a husband who always talks in circles? A roundabout Romeo.
11. Why did the wife send her husband to the store? 🛍️ Because he was making a mess of things.
12. What do you call a husband who loves to shop? A credit card commando.
13. Why did the husband buy a telescope? 🔭 Because he wanted to see his wife’s future.
14. What do you call a husband who always complains about his wife’s cooking? A grumbling gourmet.
15. Why did the wife get a pet parrot? 🦜 Because she wanted to hear something nice for a change.
16. What do you call a husband who always gets into trouble? A blunderbuss bandit.
17. Why did the wife put her husband’s clothes in the freezer? ❄️ Because she wanted him to chill out.
18. What do you call a husband who is always on the couch? 🎮 A recline ranger.
19. Why did the wife start a blog? 💻 Because she wanted to vent about her husband’s quirks.
20. What do you call a husband who always makes his wife laugh? 🤭 A comedic comrade.

Fun Facts About Divorce

1. What do you call a couple that can’t stand each other anymore? A divorce attorney’s dream.
2. Why did the couple get a divorce? Because their marriage was on the rocks, and they couldn’t find a lawyer fast enough to stop it. 😂
3. What’s the difference between a divorce and a bad haircut? You can get a second opinion on a haircut.
4. Why did the divorce mediator get run over by a bus? Because they were taking too long to reach a settlement.
5. What do you call a divorced person who’s always looking for someone new? A serial monogamist.
6. Why did the couple have to get a divorce? Because their love had hit a dead-end.
7. What do you call a divorce that’s really bitter? A lemons-only affair.
8. Why did the divorce lawyer need glasses? Because he couldn’t see eye-to-eye with his clients.
9. What do you call a divorce that’s over quickly? A speedy Gonzales.
10. Why did the ex-couple decide to get back together? Because they realized that they were still legally married. 🤦
11. What’s the difference between a divorce and a happy marriage? In a divorce, you get to keep half of everything. In a happy marriage, you get to keep everything.
12. Why did the couple decide to get a divorce? Because they couldn’t find common ground.
13. What do you call a divorce that ends with both parties happy? A fair split.
14. Why did the divorce lawyer have to take a vacation? Because he was starting to feel burned out.
15. What’s the difference between a divorce and a broken vase? You can glue a broken vase back together.
16. Why did the couple get a divorce? Because they had irreconcilable differences, like who was supposed to do the dishes.
17. What do you call a divorce that’s really expensive? A gold digger.
18. Why did the divorce mediator get so rich? Because he had a knack for dividing assets.
19. What’s the difference between a divorce and a funeral? At a funeral, at least you don’t have to pay for the coffin.
20. Why did the couple get a divorce? Because they couldn’t agree on who got to keep the dog. 🐶

Bruna Silva

Advogada| Cível| Contencioso| Consumidor| Saúde Suplementar